Awake Is The New Asleep
by Kaiyote
Summary: The fourth time Peter wakes and Nathan isn't really sure either of them are quite there. Set during Godsend.


**If you want to read a better-formatted version, please go to my Fanfiction Livejournal _theblackmonster._**

**A/N:** _Because how are you supposed to know if you've really been awake the whole time? Asleep the whole time?_ Or something like that. This is set like during _Godsend_ but it definitely doesn't follow it. It's kind of like alternate (very alternate) version of it.

Also, spoilers for _Fallout_ and _Godsend_.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Heroes.

**Warnings: **None, really.

**Awake Is The New Asleep**

* * *

The first time Peter wakes, Nathan isn't there.

His mother calls him and all he can hear is _Peter is awake_. After that there is a brief buzzing sound and the world starts tilting and suddenly he's sitting down when before he had been standing.

_Peter is awake_ turns into _He just walked out of the hospital_ and _They don't know where he went_.

Anger thrums within his veins then but he's already on his way to the hospital before it even has a chance to flow into his brain. He knows before he gets there that Peter won't be conscious when he sees him again, and the anger is replaced by fear.

The knowledge that Peter is out there, _somewhere_. Alone, and most probably hurt, _without_ him makes the world blur at the edges and he couldn't get there fast enough even if he were there in the start.

They find Peter two hours later outside of the hospital, unconscious, and Nathan puts the fact that Peter was even awake to begin with deep into his mind. It's easier that way, to forget.

Peter won't remember waking this time, and neither will he.

He still thinks, perhaps, that it hurts less to know that he wasn't there for Peter when he woke up. Because he knows it hurts more that he wasn't there to catch Peter when he fell once again.

* * *

The second time Peter wakes, Nathan _is_ there.

He wakes in sobs and screams and the only thing Nathan can do is gather him into his arms. Peter screams into his shoulder and blunt fingernails try to dig their way into his neck and back as tears soak into his shirt.

This is the only thing he can do.

Words tumble from Peter's mouth soon after the sobbing and screaming stop, and the only things he can make out are _Nathan, oh, god_ and _It's all my fault_ and _Stay away from me_ and _I can't, I don't know how._

_Please, I'll hurt you. I can't know I hurt you, Nathan. Please, please._

He whispers to Peter then, "It's okay, it's okay. I've got you, Peter. We'll figure out a way."

Peter stills then, and he ignores how Peter feels less like _Peter_ in his arms and more like something broken, where the missing pieces can never be found again because they were never there in the first place.

The room grows silent, and he doesn't bother to whisper _I won't leave you_ or _It hurts more to leave than it would to stay_.

* * *

The third time Peter wakes, he's still in Nathan's arms.

Nathan brushes the hair away from his eyes and Peter just looks at him and not at him all at the same time. He looks beyond him, toward something neither of them could see, nor would they ever really want to.

Peter looks to him then and whispers, _"I want to wake up. Let me wake up. Please."_

Nathan doesn't understand, but Peter is asleep once again, and so it doesn't matter.

* * *

The fourth time Peter wakes and Nathan isn't really sure either of them are quite there.

The doctor assures both Nathan and their mother that Peter is fine and Nathan blocks out words like _miracle_ because he's sure there is nothing _miraculous_ in the world at all. Especially their world. _Especially_.

Their mother leaves with the doctor then to discuss something, but Peter is awake and _alive_ and it feels like he's been waiting forever for this moment to happen. As if the other times before were just rehearsal and this was the one that actually counted.

He hands Peter clothes to put on and their fingers touch briefly and something in him breaks when Peter flinches at the contact and pulls away from him.

He stares at Peter and Peter glances up at him only for a moment, and another part of him chips and breaks away when he sees the barely masked look of terror in Peter's eyes before it clouds over and they become emotionless.

Peter shakes his head and smiles, _"Sorry,"_ and moves to put a shirt on.

Nathan starts wondering if he's the one asleep this time.

* * *

The fifth time and they're both awake, standing opposite of each other and Nathan can't help but wonder if they're both still rehearsing the moment that Peter finally wakes up.

It's like a game they're playing.

He steps forward, Peter takes a step back. He moves to the right, Peter moves to the left. Actions equal but opposite, and he doesn't understand this at all.

His hands drift over Peter's shoulders, turning him to face him and Peter allows this, but Nathan can tell in the way that Peter looks at him nervously that he doesn't want to. Peter is _afraid_ of him.

It could almost kill him to know this, and it hurts more than knowing he couldn't catch Peter and that he causes Peter to fall in the first place.

"The third time you woke up," Nathan starts, "You told me you wanted to wake up. _But you were already awake_. Do you remember that? Do you remember what you meant by that?"

Laughter sounds then, and Nathan feels his hands being removed from Peter's shoulders, and it feels more like his own arms being removed than Peter simply removing them from himself.

"What are you talking about?"

Peter turns from him, moving to walk away, but Nathan grabs him and spins him around so they're facing each other once again. Peter flinches and then is perfectly still, emotions quickly being replaced by a mask, but Nathan holds onto him.

He hadn't said _I won't leave you_ but he had meant it, even then.

He won't let go.

"You're awake right now, Peter. This isn't a dream. You are _not_ asleep right now. Can't you tell? Don't you know?"

Dark, distrustful eyes turn to look into his own eyes then, and it's the way-

_"Of course, Nathan."_

It's the way he knows Peter is lying.

* * *

For the first time he actually hopes Peter is asleep and that he only is just part of Peter's dream, because he knows he won't be able to fix either of them. Especially himself.

Especially Peter.

And maybe this is what hurts the most.


End file.
